In Search of the One

      I will not pretend to detain the keys of wisdom on how to recognize the perfect one for you. One thing that I know for sure is that, the minute you lower your fundamental/core values in the name of "I can change him/her" or "nobody is perfect", you'll start the slow and painful death of your inner (wo)man, thus engaging yourself on the devastating road of unhappiness. Ladies, if a guy tells you "I'm not good for you" or "I'm a piece of garbage", don't say to yourself "awww..., how cute he is...", pick up your stuffs, wish him well and turn your heels in the opposite direction because he truly means it. He can say that confidently about himself because he's known himself better and longer than you did in the one month since you've met. Don't play God by trying to save him from himself. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM/HER.
     Before I get ahead of myself, let's tackle this question: "Who is the one?"
The one is that person whose qualities you laud every time you have an opportunity in public or in private, and whose weakness you acknowledge and help him/her improve.
The one is that person, you can see yourself as a woman being submissive to and as a man loving her to the point you can give your life for her.
The one is that person who cares about your welfare physically, mentally, intellectually, spiritually.
The one is that person whom you ask yourself: "How can I make him/her happy?"
The one is that person whose name puts a smile on your face when you see it displayed on your caller id.
The one is that person you can no longer imagine living your life without.
     Here is a mistake that most us make. We define the one by what s/he has instead of who s/he is. I remember a conversation I had w/ a friend and the list was like "must have at least a house...must make at least $75k/yr...must drive this kind of car...must possess this...must possess that..." Now my question is what if the person loses all that,  then what happens?
     True story: the first time he laid his eyes on her was at a party, he flashed, worked the ranks to win her. He flooded her closet with shoes, clothes and perfumes, filled her empty time with trips, loaded her wallet with cash. About 6 or so months into the relationship, her car got totaled in a crash, he took a loan in his name and bought her a new one, newer than his own. He left school to work more to help her pay for hers. She brought him to church, he loved God and loved her even more. Less than a year later, they were married, even had a child, then stress from life started piling on. Perfumes, clothes and shoes were getting scarce, car got repossessed, income had decreased, frustration and complaints had raised. Next, she had turned her back on him, crushed him by sleeping around, robbed him from his dignity.
     It is clear from the story above that we must review our priorities, do a self exam to diagnose who we are before we can get who we need. As I heard someone said, if you have a car issue, who do you go to? To the manufacturer right? If you have a laptop issue, who do you go to? The manufacturer right? At work when our app doesn't perform the way it's supposed, who do you turn to? The Developer Engineeer!! So if you have a person issue or "the one" issue, who should you go to? Yes, that's right, The Maker. Turn to the One who knows you well, inside out, The One who can read you even when nobody can figure you out. Some believe is Nobody, I believe is Somebody, Others believe is MOther Earth, I believe is Father God. Who do you believe it is?
     Therefore, as stated earlier, one thing you need to establish is a list of your own values that you would like to see in your mate and a list of your deal breakers. The latter should be easier, you must reduce it to a list of things you can't compromise on:  is s/he a drug addict? Is he an abuser? (physically, mentally, emotionally) Character wise: Is s/he loyal? Does s/he turn her/his back when things go south? If yes, Cut him/her loose b4 you say I do. What family values does s/he have? Does s/he despise your family members, doesn't show them respect? If yes, cut him/her loose before saying I do...The list can go on. The goal is to determine all those things that you can't stand, things that are undebatable on your territory.
     These are just guidelines, experts have studied and written about this matter for years, Bookstores have huge sections dedicated to the topic. However, the best teacher is experience. So, don't be a fool and repeat mistakes that others have already made. Learn from your own and learn from others, as the French say "A man forewarned is a man forearmed".
In the search of the one, trust your guts and trust your God.

Stay tuned, stay blessed, stay beautiful
Tresor de Beaute

What Would It Take For Us To Get It Right?

         I think God has a soft spot for women. He promised a child to Sarah in her old age, she laughed; He did nothing and still gave her the child. He promised a child to Zacharias in his old age, he laughed; He made him mute for about 9 months till the child was born. He also gave women the ability to smell a bad relationship at a distance. That ability is called intuition. Unfortunately our capability to ignore that hunch is way higher than to just follow it. Boy, would we avoid some unnecessary heartbreaks if could just be a little less stubborn. To illustrate my point, here are snippets of true stories:
     They've been long time friends, liked each other but never got involved until about adulthood. She was in bad shape, had just gotten out of a committed nightmarish misery, he was a good listener, a confident and a comforter to her. They made promises to each other, six months into the relationship she changed her mind, she wanted to date longer and postpone marriage. They got into long arguments, broke up at least twice [Now, let me say sthg about break ups, 95% of the time when you break up, it's because you've reached a dealbreaker point and when or if you decide to put the pieces back together, whatever caused the 1st breakup will not go away.], got back together to finally an totally break up again.
     They met through a family member, she was involved in a serious relationship and so was he. Two years later, they were both unattached, decided to get involved. Every time they were together, she had a hunch that something wasn't right, consequently she wasn't feeling free with him although she kept reassuring herself that she liked him, after all he seemed better and more promising than the other ones. Then one day as they were spending some quality time, his door bell rang with insistence and it was his ex-girlfriend. To her dismay, he announced her point blank that he had decided to get back with the ex.
     They met online, quickly got into sweet and kinky talks, calling each other baby, they were living in different cities. After 2-3 months of phone talks, she finally got to meet him first in his town. After two weeks of bliss and "unbliss" [the bliss had slipped away when she found out about his unhealthy eating habits, his dark moods, his stinginess], she was no longer sure he was or could be the one for her "he was so different from what he said he were, from what he said over the phone" and from what she had imagined him to be. Nevertheless, she hanged on to him. Three months had passed and he still hadn't made any effort to go visit her, on the fourth month after threats and ultimatums he finally traveled the distance, only for her to discover that he had other relationships going on.
     They met via a third party, she was visiting a friend and there he was. It wasn' t love at first sight nor was it lust at first sight. They got to know each other, even lived together. In the course of their dating, they'd have countless headless arguments and each one of them would end up with her feeling a little more empty about the relationship, then followed by one break up, then a smooth reconciliation and finally marriage that ended up a year later w/ him dragging his male engine up too close inside an undesirable v-jay-jay [if you know what I mean].
     In all these stories, the female protagonists would always report either a doubt, discomfort or some type of uneasiness about their relationship but each time they would convince themselves with slogans like “nobody is perfect” or “I can make do with it” or “I’m tired of looking, I’ll just stick with this one”.
Now I realize that “it’s not good for a man [or a woman] to be alone”. And at some point in our lives, we must all [at least most of us] find the “one”, hence open a door to disappointments, deception and the like. Nevertheless, ladies, because we think more with our heart and emotions, we must guard and protect them, then ensure that we unleash them only to the one who deserves it. For that, let's start by listening to that gut feeling.

     I guess at this point, our next topic will be: How can we know he’s the “one”? Is there such a thing as “the one”?

Stay tuned, stay blessed, stay beautiful
Tresor De Beaute

Honest to God, What Would You Do?

     Has s.o ever done sthg to you or put you through such a dreadful, awful, sickly painful situation and powerful enough to shake your core beliefs?
You look at the person and you see horns on their head
You think of the person and your bowels get twisted
You recall back some of the canon moments between you and the person and you wonder if your imagination is playing tricks on your mind. Were they real or were they all playful acts to ensnare into trusting them, into letting them in and close to you?
When they prayed that God bless you, were they in fact cursing you under their breath?
When they kissed you good morning, did they wish you had died in your sleep at night?
You look at them and ask yourself "Who are they?" What happened, for them to become this monster?
Have they always been monsterish but you've been blind the whole time?
The act they committed against you stirred so much despise for them for life that you feel some shadenfreude anytime you hear about some of their misfortunes.
     Now, out of that dark place of flout, despite and contempt, you've nursed and licked your wounds til they healed, and into a place of smile, laugh, burst of joy and total happiness and then come this still small voice asking you to forgive, to really forgive. The voice's Author mirrors you in a negotiation position w/ you possessing and holding onto a little precious bag of gold, asking you to trade it against His big stash of gold. You can see the stash, a giant pile of shining preciousness and The Voice guarantees you it'll be yours if and only if you let go of your little bag. He says he'll also add to it peace, love and pure joy, he says he'll raise you up to heights you've never imagined. Meanwhile, you look at your bag, you know how hard you've worked to amass all that "fortune", to collect all pieces one by one, and now you should give it up? What do you do?
Do you just easily trust The Voice to keep his part of the bargain and give you that big pile?
Do you just easily forgive that person, the cause of your tumble?
That person who looked at you in the eyes and said I love you, you're like a sister/brother to me but yet consciously took the decision to dismantle you?
That person who offered you gift as a token of their appreciation for what you've done for them, but yet rubbing their hand with glee anticipating your downfall?
That person whom you never turned your back from for support, materially, financially, emotionally and more but yet skillfully prepared themselves to be a stumbling block for you? What do you do?
That person who never said "I'm sorry"? Honest to God, what do you do?
Whatever your answer or decision is, remember this:

"If we say that monsters [people who do terrible evil] are beyond forgiving, we give them a power they should never have...they are given the power to keep their evil alive in the hearts of those who suffered most. We give them power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting memory of their painful pasts. We give the monsters the last word."

Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

Philip Yancey - The Unnatural Act (article, Christianity Today, April 8, 1991)

Dear Readers

Dear Readers, 
First of all, I would like to apologize to my faithful readers. I took an unprecedented, though a much needed hiatus. Lots of great things have been happening to and around me and I hope to share with you some of them throughout my upcoming posts.

I would like to start with this image [they say a picture is worth a thousand words] and a recalibration of my stands which are better expressed through this alternate version of this poem from Carol Wimmer.

 When I say that 'I am a Christian,' I am not shouting that 'I am clean living.'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say 'I am a Christian,' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!


Stay tuned as there is more to come.

Now That I had Light

Now that I had Light
Now that my sight had come back
I was horrified by the true state of the premises.
There was dust everywhere
On the table, on the shelves and the rest of the furniture
In the closet and even on some of my clothes
Although still beautiful
I hadn't realized how dirty everything had become
Cleaning was a priority
Sorting and ordering were on the agenda
Some Items had been moved
And needed to be put back in place
Other had spoiled and needed to be replaced
Some had been brought in
and needed to be brought back
Spiders had cobwebbed the cellar
Some Walls needed a fresh new  paint
Other needed some scrubbing and rinsing (repeat)
Redec imposed itself
Doubting my own ability to handle the task, I hired a professional
He suggested to knock down the upper west side of a wall
Wall on which I had carefully mounted a book shelf
Book Shelf full of my meticulously elaborated theories
Theories on life personal or otherwise
Collection of stories and short essays
They all were a trophy of my pride and accomplishments
Now I had to choose between keeping them or giving it a chance
A chance to the beautiful glass window that would replace them,
Thus opening a view on a beautiful and live green landscape
In the middle which a fountain will be flowing
How I had neglected and forgotten about such a beauty
I gave it a go and so went the wall
Along with my pride and trophies
It was as painful and scary as I thought it would be but
I had something better to look forward to
I trust my architect He had done this before too
Since then renovation have been undergoing
...

Who Needs Light?

Light had left
But I hadn't noticed cuz I had closed mine eyes
So I thought I could do without Light
For a while I did good, very good
I confused my groping around in the dark with self confidence
And I said who needs Light?
I had become used to the misshape of objects around me
Then one day, things started going in disarray
To my big dismay, I asked what went wrong in the play?
Wasn't everything under control?
This wasn't fun, this wasn't droll
I had to figure out a way, a mean to take the horns' bull
I succeeded
Again, I said who needs Light?
I had become used to the misshape of objects around me
Darkness had cast its light upon them
I used people and got used by people
Light had warned me of the demise to come
But I ignored it and again I said
Who needs Light?
The disaster was incommensurable
The aftermath nearly tragic
I used rationale
I used morale
I put on a mask of pride
An armor of invincibility
Hiding my wounds and scars
I knew I couldn't go on like this much longer
[I remember the days when things were different
Things were much simpler
What had happened?]
A friend shared his Light with me
But it wasn't enough to re-ignite my own
So another friend brought hers
Slowly but surely I could feel the warmth of my own Light
My wounds were healing
My sight was recovering
My zest was jolting
I didn't need Light anymore

I HAD LIGHT!

The Magic Of Music

     Music has a very subtle way to control our mood. Some music may bring you down, other may lift up your spirit all depending of what circumstances you were in when you first heard it.
     The magic of music dates back from way before the birth of our Lord Jesus. Among the first kings of Israel, there was this guy, Saul (apparently during his last days he was possessed by some evil spirits that would disturb him) could only be calmed down by a certain sound played by young David.
     There are some songs [any old makossa from Ndedi Dibango, Francois Misse Ngoh, Tom Yom's, Charlotte Mbango, Grace/Ben Decca or Monique Seka] from my childhood, that regardless of what I'm doing, if I hear them, my lips will put to birth a big smile and if the normal conditions of temperature and pressure are united, I can even break into a dance: they are a reminder of my tiny young self, my innocence and naivety, hopefulness, carelessness and stupidity.
Brown Eyed Girl: As for my adult life, this is a song that every time the melody fills my ears and soul, my spirit jumps inside and a veil of nostalgia wraps itself around my mind spurring a multitude of memories. I remember I had just gotten introduced to Milton and his paradise in which I had gotten lost. The deep stentorian voice that had accompanied me in this journey succeeded to squeeze out of me an ode to poetry and the beauty of language. 
Imagine: John Lennon has been part of my existence for quite some time now. It's been over a decade and half since the first time I heard about him. It was in a documentary relating the sex revolution of 1960s, the rising of sects and the influence of Rock'n Roll. Of all his songs, this one is my favorite. It's unfortunate he left this earth so early. He was a visionary, a dreamer. He dreamed of a better world. However, the elegy that results from these lyrics embodies such a deep sense of melancholy that pushes you to either confront or contemplate whatever crisis you may be going through at the moment, simultaneously giving you a sense of satisfaction once the crisis has passed.
Ron Kenoly & Don Moen:  Don & Ron will remain forever among my favorite Praise and Worship singers. Any CD I've owned from those two, I can sing along all the songs on the tracks. They're so inspirational. They represent that banner of purity and sanctity  that we all used to long for during that  era when I believed that if there would be one person with faith left on earth when Jesus comes back, it'd be me. I still turn them on when I want and need to put my Jesus swagger on. They serve as a hideout in times of need, distress, joy and hope. They definitely keep me grounded.

That's the magic of music in my life, what about yours?