I Love You But I Can't Be With You

"I love you but I can't be with you"
I used to hear that a lot in soap operas, but never understood what it meant. How can you love, care about someone but can't get yourself to be with the person? Finally, one day I got hold of the meaning of that statement.

It is an excruciating pain that you must go through when taking the decision to turn the page over on a relationship especially when you still entertain feelings for the loved one. It's almost as if you have to separate yourself from your body and get into your avatar to accomplish things that you couldn't have from your own body. With your avatar on, your left brain takes control of the ship, makes decisions and follow them through. It commands your cerebral synapses and they must obey. It commands your mouth and it  must obey. It commands your heart and your heart...

I love you but I can't be with you
because my love for you brings me more pain and despair than refrain and repair

I love you but I can't be with you
Because my love can't be built on suspicions
Suspicions of unfaithfulness, suspicions of wayward ways

I love you but I can't be with you
Because my love fears of being hurt
And this fear is greater than the temptation to put my trust in you again

I love you but I can't be with you
Because love is a two way street, a four-legged table.

I love you but I can't be with you
Because you can't love me back the way I need to.

I love you but I can't be with you
Because you can't say you love me and not protect me
You can't say you love me and not stand for me.
You can't say you love me and not be loyal to me.

You want us to be friends? How is that supposed to work?
Friendship requires trustworthiness and loyalty.
Besides, isn't it an utopia to believe in a friendship after a relationship?
Could it be possible after some time?
They say time heals
How much time do you need? How much do I need?
How much time do we need?
Doesn't it depend of each one own immunity system?
And who knows, you may experience side effects different from mine.

I love you so dearly but it aches thinking about it, so guess what I did!
I moved on, I turned the page over and started a new chapter
I'm learning new materials now
The assignments are quite interesting
And the teacher couldn't be more exciting and engaging
Does s/he compare to you? In many ways, no, not quite.
But I've accepted it
As I believe in each one of us uniqueness

Besides, not all things or people are forever in our lives.
Some are meant to be there for long or extended periods of time.
Others are there with a limited warranty.

I know you understand
I know you agree
I love you but I can't be with you

Tiana, Charlotte ou Miranda?

     I went to watch the princess& the frog. No need to say, I was the only non-parent in the theatre, purely there for my own selfish pleasure. It was a reminder of my childhood, a vision of my tiny ten years old self enjoying "Cendrillon" aka Cinderella. We (my siblings and I) grew up with Disney cartoon: Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Tom&Jerry (I have a copy of it, downloaded and burnt on a DVD for my imaginary kids to watch someday), and Aladin. A tale of princesses going through hardship until the their prince charming would come and deliver them. We'd watch and re-watch the tapes just like the comics, we'd read and re-read them. I remember one of my favorite was a book called "Mille Et Une Nuits" (One Thousand And One Nights) Tome I&II. They were huge books of 1001 pages narrating eventful stories with happy endings.  When it comes to the matter of the heart, I'm a half Charlotte [the one who believes in love and that everything happens for a reason] and half Miranda [The cynical one who sees herself as a realist, and one who believes in wysinwyg (what you see is not what you get), she thinks people are fundamentally wicked and always have an ulterior motive and she also believes that love can happen but you can make do without by focusing on your career, getting that first house/condo, buying expensive stuffs out of pocket, ...etc]. Regardless of your views or positions on the subject, whatever is supposed to happen to you will happen. The difference is only in the approach. Some people are go getters while others are "let's wait and see".
      Today the siblings and I are all grown ups, each one of us pursuing their own dreams, some of us already living that dream, and others still going through the hardship of life. As for me, I'm lucky, very lucky...

Independent Women

      Independent Women: Their general characteristics are: educated, professional (having a career going), ambitious, financially independant, they got their own stuffs by their own means, and they're single. For this type of woman, you can't impress her w/ flowers, a new car, a new house, shoes or clothes, all those things will sure sparkle her interest but what will definitely hook her up is your patience, your attention, your emotional support, your integrity, you must have your game on and going.
Now ladies, if you think you have a good fish in the tank, show him that you're more than that outer shield. Put your feminine side on display: serve him, literally serve him. Bring him his glass of water without him asking, remove his shoes, take his hand and press it against your heart for just 30 secs while looking at him in his eyes (you can add to the list). Those are very simple gestures that say a lot about how you feel, but it can be very difficult especially if you have an ego as wide and big as...(you finish the sentence). Don't let that ego whisper in your head: "you're being vulnerable...don't let him see you like this... and what if..." and it goes on.
I don't know exactly how this following story ties in this post. There used to be this friend of mine complaining about his then ex-girlfriend how possessive, clinging and over-jealous she could be. And I would tell him why wouldn't she be clinging? You gave her everything, you brought her here, you gave her shelter and food, you found a way for her to continue with school, you clothed her, you bought her a car. If I had a man like that in my life, if he says "Jump!", I'll ask him "how high?", for there is no greater love in display as the one you've shown her.
Just to tell you ladies, a guy does something like that for you, don't let him go. Stay tight the best you can. I'm not saying that you must alter your personality to please him, all I'm saying is true love (for those who believe in it) rarely comes along our way, so if and when it comes, hang on to it.
Don't be plain stupid like some. Seriously, true story: this guy meets this gal, a few months after she gets into a car crash and her car is totaled. The guy goes ahead, takes a loan in his name and buy her a newer car. Then he forgoes his own school, to help her pay for hers. They finally become Mr&Mrs same last name, then she cheats on him with s.o he knows and who turns out to be the husband of one of his friends, lol, one would think that the woman be wise enough to repent and change her ways. As I stated, don't be stupid. Have discernment, be wise and recognize when you have the real thing in your life. Same goes for you guys, when you have the real deal, don't ditch it out, don't be stupid.
     It's good to be independent but it's even better to know how to land in the right middle. It's all about borrowing enough from your left and right brain. As good as it is to know how to think logical and make sound judgments, it's also good to know when to humble yourself and even cry.
Now don't do the latter when the guy has already shown you in every way possible that he doesn't want you. Don't do this when the guy tells you he's all confused and diffused. Don't do that when the guy speaks of his ex- using terms such as witch or the like although he spends quality time with her every day behind your back.
Remember you still have your dignity, your self esteem, and yes, your pride :).

Happy Endings

I couldn't concentrate at work, having had little to no sleep the nights before and I needed something to cheer me up. I opened up the NYTimes and found this rather misleading title: "Happy Endings" and after a quick read, here was I, sinking even further down than I already was.
I started reviewing my life and I came to the conclusion that I have lived the best life I could have possibly lived given my circumstances and that I was ready to pass away. I mean I've known sadness at its deepest level, I've been through hell and back, I've known joy and great happiness. I've made my parents proud, very proud. I've taken care of my family, I've done charity work, I've preached the gospel, so somewhere somehow I must have impacted someone's life in a positive way. I've watched all kinds of movies: trashy, dramatic, thriller, comedy, suspense, horror, silent, I've even watched porn (lol, Lord forgive me if I have sinned against you.). I've fallen in love, then gotten up, fallen out of love. I've given shelter to people who didn't deserve it. I've accepted and been accepted, I've rejected and been rejected. I've tithed, still do. My life has taken some type of existence. There's nothing new under the sun
Yesterday someone expressed their undying love for me. While all I wanted to do was to express my undying impatience with a homework I couldn't seem to complete. At the end, life has no meaning so does my mom tell me. We must take life as simple as it comes. Easy said than done. Yes, life has no meaning in itself, but mine has taken some type of existence and now I'm ready, ready to go, ready to leave.