They All Want A Piece Of This

They all want a piece this
It didn't matter if they were married, divorced, single or engaged
Short, tall, midgets or in-between, they try their chance
One commonality amongst all of them: hideousness
A huge physical deficit reinforced by their lack of literacy
They'd use vulgar language to describe things they want to do if they ever put their hand on this piece

Some of them even wear fake glasses to pass themselves as smart
Or as one shenanigan said, "to protect their eyes" although they have a very limited mind
Limited to ideas, limited to discussions, limited to exploration, limited to life
And their limited minds put you in their limited box, trying to make you fit
It doesn't matter if they've been in school and have advanced degrees
You'd be surprised at the enormities born from their tongue

Others are just totally delusional
They make up stories about you and think God has spoken to them
Maybe He has, but wouldn't he also speak to you, to convey the same message?
You talk to them once and they think you've pledged something with them
You say no, they hear yes until you threaten them with harassment that they understand you mean business

There's a third category, the ones who can be kind, who can even sustain a quite intelligent conversation
However, they're very dark inside
Close to tormented by some indiscernible force that push them to act the way they do
You need to get close to them to understand, but don't get too close as you may get burnt
They use that darkness to stir empathy in you by belittling themselves
They think of you not as a person but as a piece to their puzzle, a mean to an end
More often than not, they end up alone and empty
No, it's not audacity, pretentiousness or a "I'm better than thou" tirade
It's just a portray of facts viewed from a different angle
So you, be careful who you allow in your inner circle
They all wear mantle of sheep when in fact they're wolves just awaiting to devour you
Be even more aware of those who claim coming from the Lord, they're more dangerous
For all of them, always check their past and find out how they treated the people in their lives
Chances are they'll repeat the same idiosyncrasies with you

Break Up Lines

I decided to get back with my ex --Y. T.
This is not working out, I've passed the point of blame --TB
You remind of me my ex...Thank you so much as you leave me alone --PA/TB
Yes, I slept with her --PJ
I got issues to take care that I don't want to mingle them with you--PK
I went back home and married my ex girlfriend --GE
You're coming here to see how I live? That will not happen --CT
You and I? Well, there is no you and I. TB
I think we need to break up --V.M.

Regardless of what your break up lines have been, each one of us is a bit of a scientist and as such, "The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance -- the idea that anything is possible" Ray Bradbury

Ps: Please don't hesitate to share your break up lines here.

Tiana, Charlotte ou Miranda?

     I went to watch the princess& the frog. No need to say, I was the only non-parent in the theatre, purely there for my own selfish pleasure. It was a reminder of my childhood, a vision of my tiny ten years old self enjoying "Cendrillon" aka Cinderella. We (my siblings and I) grew up with Disney cartoon: Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Tom&Jerry (I have a copy of it, downloaded and burnt on a DVD for my imaginary kids to watch someday), and Aladin. A tale of princesses going through hardship until the their prince charming would come and deliver them. We'd watch and re-watch the tapes just like the comics, we'd read and re-read them. I remember one of my favorite was a book called "Mille Et Une Nuits" (One Thousand And One Nights) Tome I&II. They were huge books of 1001 pages narrating eventful stories with happy endings.  When it comes to the matter of the heart, I'm a half Charlotte [the one who believes in love and that everything happens for a reason] and half Miranda [The cynical one who sees herself as a realist, and one who believes in wysinwyg (what you see is not what you get), she thinks people are fundamentally wicked and always have an ulterior motive and she also believes that love can happen but you can make do without by focusing on your career, getting that first house/condo, buying expensive stuffs out of pocket, ...etc]. Regardless of your views or positions on the subject, whatever is supposed to happen to you will happen. The difference is only in the approach. Some people are go getters while others are "let's wait and see".
      Today the siblings and I are all grown ups, each one of us pursuing their own dreams, some of us already living that dream, and others still going through the hardship of life. As for me, I'm lucky, very lucky...

INVICTUS is A MUST SEE!!

     I think sports movie are overrated nevertheless I went to watch Invictus. If you haven't seen it, please do!! It's probably one of the most inspiring sports movie [after "Remember the Titans"] I've ever watched. The director, Clint Eastwood (I hope he wins the best director Oscar this year), did an astounding job with the camera capturing the last ten minutes of the grand finale. A slow motion picture that depicts every single emotion not only of the different actors face but of you, the movie watcher, down to the heartbeat. Well this post is not about putting into lights all those details, I'll leave that to the critics. There are two things that captivated me in this movie, aside Matt Damon guns that were half revealed when he was in the locker room [a reminder of beautiful sculpture well in displayed in the Bourne Trilogy], discipline and more importantly forgiveness.
     Here is a team who is motivated to win, they put themselves under a strict regiment, they work out, they run, they train. They celebrate their victory after they qualify themselves to semi-finale, they sing, they drink, they shout but yet they go running the next day at 6am. I've always been fascinated by such determination to achieve and rigorous assiduity, maybe because I lack some [especially the latter].
     And there is a guy, an ex-con who after 27 years spent behind bars, comes out and becomes the first democratic President, the great leader of the nation of South Africa after the abolition of Apartheid. His purpose is to transcend race and reunite the people of his country under one Flag, one anthem. He can't do it without truly forgiving the very people who tore his family apart by dragging him and his wife out their home, and threw him in jail, the same people who would not hesitate to torture, insult, terrorize, or lynch any person of color on any ground, the people who gave him for all and all a thin mat where he would rest during his 27 years in prison, breaking bricks at day and breaking his back at night. He had to go above and beyond, to reach out over the anger, the pain and  humiliation he endured in his mind and body for the sake of 43 million souls he felt responsible for. He had to grant pardon, not only with his lips but with mind and heart to reconcile both sides, both races. Madiba [that was his clan name and that's how he was called by his close friends], betrayed and abandoned by his wife, estranged from his children, was misunderstood but he had a goal and a resoluteness in his heart. At one point in time, feeling the rage of his people against the national rugby team which depicts the old South Africa, he tells them: "you chose me as your leader, now let me lead you", in a handwritten letter he tells the captain of the Springboks in the words of  Henley William Ernest: "I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul.", in a tv interview nagged by the sports anchorman about his support for any team against the Springboks, he says: "In times of change, a leader must change", thus outlining that his position has changed. His attitude and the embodiment of his personality inspired the South African National Rugby team and they won the rugby world cup.
     I still think sports movie are overrated but INVICTUS is one of a kind and one thing is undeniable about Sports, just like music, it breaks barriers and brings people together.
     Thus said, can someone say: WORLD CUP 2010 SOUTH AFRICA HERE I COOOMMMMME!!!

All The Single Ladies... and Gentlemen

A friend of mine sent me this video and I thought I would share it with you here. A solution that makes sense, notice I said A solution and I think it's a very important one. Here he talks most about the ladies but I think it goes the same for any man.

Hear Me Out

It's a feeling of confusion
It comes upon when you face a very important decision
It's about your wife
It's about your life
It's one thing to know what's right
And another to do what's right
And wrong upon wrong does not right the wrong
That's the only domain where the mathematical formula doesn't apply
Unless there's an intervention of the God on High
But who believes in him again nowadays
We go to church, we sing, we shout, we pray and praise
It just seems that He'd rather get away from us
Leaving us to our demise with no choice but to rely on others: Orpheus, Morpheus or Zeus
It's not a cry for help nor one for explanation
You've already shown us you prefer inaction
We just want you to pay attention invisible Friend
We used to be offended by that but it actually makes sense.
We get it especially when the situation is tense
Any other time, we let it slide
We convince ourselves this works for us and we glide
We glide like on a moon ride
The ride is not always smooth, the other day we ran into a bump
Guess what we did, we jumped
We shouldn't have cuz we broke an arm, a leg and got a bruise on the head
And now we fear the things ahead
Total panic in the ranks
And all we see are blanks
Please bring us some color
Bring us some seemliness of order
How long again should we wait
"Soon, soon, soon", we bet
But who are we kidding here
When are we going to get there
What is our destiny
what do you have for us in the near vicinity
Are you going to mirror us the promise land
Just like you did Moses
Please answer us
Don't send us to Orpheus, Morpheus or Zeus

Wife of Yesterday - Today & Future: Which Are You?

 

 

Practice What You Preach

No no no, this is not one of those sermons. This is real stuffs, just enjoy the music

So what do you want to do
I’m here, baby, I’m ready, baby
I’m waitin’ on you
Believe me, I am patiently waitin’ on you

Yeah, there’s something wrong with me
Every time I’m alone with you
You keep talkin’ ‘bout you lovin’ me
Hey, babe, your foreplay just blows my mind
So why don’t we stop all the talkin’, girl
Why don’t we stop wastin’ time

I’ve had my share of lovers
Some say I’m damn good
And if you think you can turn me out
Baby, I wish that you would

‘Cause you keep tellin’ me this and tellin’ me that
You say once I’m with you, I’ll never go back
You say there’s a lesson that you wanna teach
Well, here I am, baby, practice what you preach

(I’m tellin’ you this and tellin’ you that)
(‘Cause once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back)
(There is a lesson that I’m gonna teach)
Well, here I am, baby, practice what you preach

Yeah, it’s just you and me
So many things I can do to you
And so many ways I can please
Hey, hey, hey, it’s your move, girl
Why don’t you start turning down the lights
And show me what just you can do, hey, baby

I’ve had my share of lovers
Some of them were damn good
But if you think you can turn me out
Girl I just wish that you would

‘Cause you keep tellin’ me this and tellin’ me that
You say once I’m with you, I’ll never go back
I know there’s a lesson that you wanna teach
Here I am, baby, practice what you preach

(I’m saying this because it’s a fact) Is it
(Once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back) Really
(There is a lesson that I’m gonna teach)
Well, I'm still waitin practice what you preach

(I’m telling you this and I'm telling you that)
(‘Cause once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back) Show me
(There is a lesson that I’m gonna teach)
Here I am, practice on me

(I’m saying this because it’s a fact) Is it
(Once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back) Do it
(There is a lesson that I’m gonna teach)
Girl, I’m still waiting, practice what you preach, ooh

(I’m telling you this and telling you that)
(‘Cause once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back)
(There is a lesson that I’m gonna teach)
Here I am, girl, practice on me

(I’m saying this because it’s a fact) Is it
(Once I’ve been with you, you’ll never go back) Really
...

I Had A Lover Who Didn't Love Me Back

I had a lover
Who did not love me back
I did everything that a guy could do
I couldn't do more than that
I felt so helpless
I thought things would never change
Then I saw my girl walking down on the avenue
One day I said, I wanna talk to you

I wasn't afraid to cry
Emotion was in my eyes
She took me on a natural high
When I said, I love you girl of mine
And then she said, I love you back
She loves me back

I had a lover
Who did not love me back
I bought her candy canes and dolls and flowers
And I took her to Coney Island
Now, who could do more than that?
It was a problem
Until on that fateful day
I saw my girl walking down on the avenue
She said, I wanna talk to you

She wasn't afraid to cry
Emotion was in her eyes
She took me on a natural high
I said, I love you girl of mine
And then she said, I love you back
She loves me back

I don't think our love's gonna lose
There ain't no way
I'm taking my time to convince her
That love's here to stay, hey
Love is here to stay because
She loves me back

We weren't afraid to cry
Emotion was in our eyes
She took me on a natural high
I said, I love you girl of mine
And then she said, I love you back
She loves me back

Independent Women

      Independent Women: Their general characteristics are: educated, professional (having a career going), ambitious, financially independant, they got their own stuffs by their own means, and they're single. For this type of woman, you can't impress her w/ flowers, a new car, a new house, shoes or clothes, all those things will sure sparkle her interest but what will definitely hook her up is your patience, your attention, your emotional support, your integrity, you must have your game on and going.
Now ladies, if you think you have a good fish in the tank, show him that you're more than that outer shield. Put your feminine side on display: serve him, literally serve him. Bring him his glass of water without him asking, remove his shoes, take his hand and press it against your heart for just 30 secs while looking at him in his eyes (you can add to the list). Those are very simple gestures that say a lot about how you feel, but it can be very difficult especially if you have an ego as wide and big as...(you finish the sentence). Don't let that ego whisper in your head: "you're being vulnerable...don't let him see you like this... and what if..." and it goes on.
I don't know exactly how this following story ties in this post. There used to be this friend of mine complaining about his then ex-girlfriend how possessive, clinging and over-jealous she could be. And I would tell him why wouldn't she be clinging? You gave her everything, you brought her here, you gave her shelter and food, you found a way for her to continue with school, you clothed her, you bought her a car. If I had a man like that in my life, if he says "Jump!", I'll ask him "how high?", for there is no greater love in display as the one you've shown her.
Just to tell you ladies, a guy does something like that for you, don't let him go. Stay tight the best you can. I'm not saying that you must alter your personality to please him, all I'm saying is true love (for those who believe in it) rarely comes along our way, so if and when it comes, hang on to it.
Don't be plain stupid like some. Seriously, true story: this guy meets this gal, a few months after she gets into a car crash and her car is totaled. The guy goes ahead, takes a loan in his name and buy her a newer car. Then he forgoes his own school, to help her pay for hers. They finally become Mr&Mrs same last name, then she cheats on him with s.o he knows and who turns out to be the husband of one of his friends, lol, one would think that the woman be wise enough to repent and change her ways. As I stated, don't be stupid. Have discernment, be wise and recognize when you have the real thing in your life. Same goes for you guys, when you have the real deal, don't ditch it out, don't be stupid.
     It's good to be independent but it's even better to know how to land in the right middle. It's all about borrowing enough from your left and right brain. As good as it is to know how to think logical and make sound judgments, it's also good to know when to humble yourself and even cry.
Now don't do the latter when the guy has already shown you in every way possible that he doesn't want you. Don't do this when the guy tells you he's all confused and diffused. Don't do that when the guy speaks of his ex- using terms such as witch or the like although he spends quality time with her every day behind your back.
Remember you still have your dignity, your self esteem, and yes, your pride :).

Here or There?

I've been speaking lately w/ some fellow Cameroonians. Good friends that I've known for a while and some that I've never laid my eyes on. Got a few friends like that, we've been talking for over half a decade, sent each other virtual congratulations or thank you notes or sorry messages. Anyway I'm getting beside the point here. Our discussion was about finding the "one", should we look among ourselves or should we go back home? One of them was for looking among ourselves because it could be risky to go home and get someone. He had some stories to support his arguments. Apparently there was this brother who, by desperation went back home in Cameroon to marry. A few months after he had brought his wifey here, they got into an argument and next thing we know the wife started talking about divorce saying to herself that she could do better (meaning she could get a better man). Another one told me of a story of another brother who did the same thing, went back home to get wife. Wife got here, the time to get her stuffs together so she could start going to school and work, she met a fellow brother from the same village as her. They would meet and talk and meet and talk until she became his wife instead. The brother who had brought her here, is rotting in prison now for assaulting the guy who took his wife.
The other friend was for going back home and get a wife there, said he has looked around himself and realized that most coupled that are in the community got their spouses back home and things seemed to be working out just fine. Even if they have their little shenanigans, it stays between them, nobody in the community knows anything. To each example he was giving I was able to pinpoint a drawback albeit I had to admit that he had made a good observation. In our little Cameroonian community I knew of two couples (or should I say one and half?) that had met here, got married and are still together. The first couple both are Cameroonians, the second, the wife is from Cameroon and the husband is from a different African country.
A friend back home was surprised that the diaspora (both genders) would call and ask to look for a wife or husband for them and said "why don't you guys get married amongst yourselves?"
The complaint I've often heard about the sisters is that the brothers are not serious, they just want to "cut the grass" and leave. The brothers on the other hand complain about the sisters' "Evolution", in other words they're too europeanized. One thing I would like to say in our defense, especially for us sisters that have left home very young to come to this land of opportunities, is this: A lot of us have left the niche of our families back home early in age to go study abroad and most of us were half baked. Our personality was still in the works and along the process we picked up a little of here and there and became a generation of young people who at times, feel lost within the realm of the culture we've tried so hard to embrace to some degrees and even more lost within the one we've left behind. We try the best we can, we make do with what we have and with whom we've become. We expect our husbands to take care of us, to do their share of chores, to open the door when we go out, we've become Camericains or must I say Afrimericans.
Anyway, all of this got me to think, how many Cameroonian sisters have gone back home to marry then brought their husband here? I didn't know of any but i chatted with my BFF Prince Hamilton aka bro, and according him the ratio of success of sisters who went back home to marry and brought their hubby here is largely higher than the one of brothers who did the same thing. Their husbands stayed and they are happy.
Having discussed this particular subject with my single friends and asking them why they wouldn't consider such an option, their reasons vary and go from the brothers wouldn't understand our lifestyle here, they may just use us to come here and then leave us to it requires so much sacrifice to get them here, prep them to the pace of life here...etc. Those reasons are so deep rooted to their mind that some of them decided to get married to their job and to cuddle at night with their teddy bear and a glass of wine.
And this is to all my singles very accomplished friends, let's not lose courage. We got where we are working our behind off to reach this level, we're happier than before when we were going through hardship. Why can't we consider doing the same thing to reach a higher happiness? If it requires to go back and grab that good cassava and bring him here, why not? After all happiness comes with a price, how much are we willing to pay?

Addicted to Soap Operas

DAYUUUMMMMMM I LOVE SOAP OPERAS!! I think I'm addicted, no SERIOUSLY!! I've been watching General Hospital religiously for close to a decade now!! Break ups, hook ups, break downs, make up, get together, laughs and tears, marriage and divorce, life stories that sometimes mirror my own. Soap operas, they provide a fantasy land, an escape into Jason muscular arms and those cheeks bones when he kisses Sam (I'm jealous of you!!), a pleasure for the eyes when the big cross tattoo in display on Sonny's arms (hum hum good, yummy yummy). Oooh and when Dominic or Johnny is bare torso, oh lord Jesus, you took some time to build them men.

The Blind Side

I love movies, that's my favorite distraction. I love them so much that I absolutely do not mind going to watch them alone. On thanksgiving day, I got to bring one of my dear friends with whom I shared some glorious days. We watched the Blind Side Starring Sandra Bullock. The title could be renamed The Power of Compassion. A very compelling story that makes us count our blessings, makes us appreciate how good we have it and when we realize how much it is, we must share it. On her way home, riding along with her family, Mrs Touhys notices Big Mike walking down the streets under a non clement weather, with no coat on. She takes him to her home, gives him food and a shelter, hires a  private tutor so he can bring his grades up and end up being his legal guardian. Only a heart filled with compassion can accomplish such a thing. Mrs Touhys was a tough cookie too who could stand up to thugs in the streets and yell her way through situations but would scarcely show her feelings.
Provided I live a long time, I've often thought that one day I will adopt (that is of course my partner is on board with it), or at least be a mentor to someone, be a positive influence in their life. Not everybody is cut out to adopt (remember the story of that woman who returned her adopted infant because she couldn't feel any connection?), for some is a good idea worth entertaining, for others it's unconceivable. And not all adoption stories end up like Big Mike who became a successful football Pro. In fact, there's been cases where the adoptees turned against their adopters or would cause such grief that the adopter would regret to have adopted. We heard stories of fathers who ended up sleeping w/ their adoptee child.
Regardless of your stance on the subject, adopters deserve a good round of applause. For not only does it take compassion, it requires some altruism to get out of our cocoon of a life to throw somebody a line.

Who Are You?

I think each one of us has DID (Double Identity) a good side and an evil twin. What amazes me is how unexpectedly evil some people can be. I mean it's one thing to know it theoretically and quite another to experience it first hand especially if you're at the receiving end. At 12pm they call you mah luv, my darling and at 12 am they throw you out of their house. At 12 pm they apologize and bitterly regret their actions at 12 am they justify it and tell you that you deserve it. At 12 pm you call them baby or some made up sweet name, at 12 am you call the police on them and they're sent to jail. At 12 pm you sent them to therapy and at 12 am you're willing to go to therapy with them. At 12 pm they're entertaining the idea of getting a restraining order against you and 12 am they're allowing you back in their life with phone calls and secret rendez-vous.
This world is so messed up, to the point that I truly believe I've seen it all and I've lived (and keep living) my life the best way I possibly could (can) given my circumstances.
As Plautus used to say "There is no perfect woman, it's a matter of comparative badness, bro", yeah or, there is no perfect guy, it's a matter of comparative evilness.

She's an Onion: You need to peel her

I use onions for almost all of my cooking: spinach, stew, peanut soup, broiled fish, beans and more. It's a thing I got from my growing up and I would always get assigned the task to cut the onion. The process will bring tears to my eyes but with perseverance the end result will be amazing. There are people who are like onions, you have to peel them, tear them out piece by piece in order to discover their inner self. And sometimes depending of the type of onions (there are red, white, yellow and green onions), you have to peel more layers to get to the good, sweet and delicious part. But you ought to be patient and sometimes the process may bring tears, and smell on your hands. And if it's too much to handle, you can take a little break, wash your face and come back to finish peeling and cutting them. Or you can just abandon the task and decide it is not worth it. Isn't how we often react in the face of adversity whether it is with our career, school or relationships with our significant other? Sometimes we hear of a good career opportunity, the pay is very attractive then we decide to give it a shot and we realize the amount of work, the sacrifice, the whole training process we have to go through and we ask ourselves, is it really worth it? Some of us get discouraged and give up. We give ourselves all kinds of reasons why we shouldn't follow through. We decide our prior condition was better than before we even got involved in the whole process.

Others, however, are persistent. They keep in mind the price, the benefits they're going to reap. One big benefit that onions bring is its effectiveness to fight against conditions such as heart disease. Onions contain chemical compounds believed to have anti-inflammatory, anticholesterol, anticancer, and antioxidant properties such as quercetin. If you know you'll get so much more in return in exchange of a few tears that a peeling process may bring, would you give up easily on that opportunity, on that child, on that love one? Would you stop at the first, second or third tear? Or would you go all the way through?
"She's an Onion, you need to peel her" it's a phrase used by a husband to describe his wife. The wife had this tendency to never show her feelings, she would put over this mask and then run to hide. You had to give her a proper hug for her to open up. The wife was a tough woman, she could stand up to thugs, yell at football coaches (nobody yells louder than these folks!) but when it came to show and express her feelings, that was her black beast and you had to peel her. Just peel her and she would crack open.

Advices of A Mother to Her Daughter

Life is zero and you need to learn how to simplify things that happen.
Why would you stop eating because of a man? On the contrary, you should be taking care of yourself even more.
Cook something that you really like, mix some tomatoes with meat and onions and it'll be ready in five min.
Remember if a man is for you, he won't go anywhere. He'll wait for you. You won't have to do anything, just be yourself and stay nice after all it's a woman characters that are more attractive.
Go out, people who stay inside nobody sees them.
If a guy talks to you, just reply with the utmost kindness without showing much interest.
As you know, here in Africa, it's the man who should go towards a woman not the other way around.
You know marriage is not an end in itself, you see all those couples you think there's grand happiness?
Besides, if there's no husband you can still have your child.
Be careful not to embrace that country culture.
Know that you're still young and have nothing to worry about.
Un de perdu dix de retrouves (advice from a father to his daughter)

Thank you mom, I love you!

From Jesus [De]Generation to Jesus Realization

We were a bunch of Jesus freak as would i have said someone i knew in my past life. So full of zeal, preaching the gospel, dancing, praying, singing, we loved and liked giving our love back to anybody who wanted some. We had committees to organize agapes, our favorite singers where Don Moen and Ron Kenoly among others. We believed God was bigger than us and could take off any obstacle on our path, we believe our faith would move mountain (it had in some cases). If someone insulted us because of our faith, we were happy because we knew were getting persecuted for Jesus. We were young, we were happy, we were innocent. We were smart too, getting our homeworks done, our chores and passing our exams. We were Jesus Generation.
Today, some of us have become doctors, engineers, bankers, programmers, researchers, even preachers. Some got married, got divorced, others got married but couldn't have babies pleaded with God to finally find "answers" from a marabout. Some thought their own husband were useless and found solace in someone's else husband. Others left church once they realized they didn't need God to make it. Some left church because the church did not approve of their fiancée, others stayed in church in spite of everything. Some have developed their own philosophy about God and others have chosen to ignore the bible and live on their own terms. We have become Jesus Degeneration.
Some of us got so beaten up, inside and out, up and down but are still there, we're there hoping for better days, we're there praising for what we have and that will never be taken away from us, we're there praying for wisdom not to repeat the same mistakes, we're there picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, we're there standing proud of who we are and we still have joy. We're aspiring to be Jesus REALIZATION!!

Happy Endings

I couldn't concentrate at work, having had little to no sleep the nights before and I needed something to cheer me up. I opened up the NYTimes and found this rather misleading title: "Happy Endings" and after a quick read, here was I, sinking even further down than I already was.
I started reviewing my life and I came to the conclusion that I have lived the best life I could have possibly lived given my circumstances and that I was ready to pass away. I mean I've known sadness at its deepest level, I've been through hell and back, I've known joy and great happiness. I've made my parents proud, very proud. I've taken care of my family, I've done charity work, I've preached the gospel, so somewhere somehow I must have impacted someone's life in a positive way. I've watched all kinds of movies: trashy, dramatic, thriller, comedy, suspense, horror, silent, I've even watched porn (lol, Lord forgive me if I have sinned against you.). I've fallen in love, then gotten up, fallen out of love. I've given shelter to people who didn't deserve it. I've accepted and been accepted, I've rejected and been rejected. I've tithed, still do. My life has taken some type of existence. There's nothing new under the sun
Yesterday someone expressed their undying love for me. While all I wanted to do was to express my undying impatience with a homework I couldn't seem to complete. At the end, life has no meaning so does my mom tell me. We must take life as simple as it comes. Easy said than done. Yes, life has no meaning in itself, but mine has taken some type of existence and now I'm ready, ready to go, ready to leave.

Am I guilty?

I think I was born with an older soul than my young body. I have a weakness for oldies: soul, funk, blues and some good modern jazz. I heard this song on the radio not long ago and it just frizzled my hair all over my body (in a good way) and as soon as I got my laptop I had to YouTube it (Thank God for YouTube!) and there it was! A very soul smothering song about an affair between him and Mrs Jones. Now my peeps know how I feel about affairs, infidelity and the like. But this song has something to it that gets me to a point that I really enjoy it and can even picture myself karaokeing it. So my question is, although I'm viral anti-cheating activist, but still savor this funky song along with the lyrics, does that make me guilty of infidelity?

Let's Make Love Before We Say Farewell

My dad and I have this thing that we pull when we visit each other, we steal one another's CDs. I often joke with him that he should bequeath his CDs to me. On my recent trip to the motherland, I got this fantastic collection of oldies French songs. And the other day as I was driving to work, I turned my player and this song came on, sending me way back in the days when I was between 10 and 12 years old. As the words was distilling in the air, I paid attention to their meaning and it cracked me up. Here's an example by Jeanne Manson, who surprisingly is American but has spent so many years in France that she had come to espouse the French way of "coloring" love, the title is (literally translated):

Let's make love before we say farewell

Let's make love before we say farewell
[before we say farewell]
Let's make love since it's over between us
[since it's over between us]
Let's make love as if it was the first time
One more time you and I since love is leaving
[x2]
I can forgive you for everything and pretend to forget
I would like to close my eyes and do everything you want
I can share you and even plead with you but don't leave
I'll make myself so small that you won't see me
I'll be so tender that tomorrow you'll love me
I'll be all love and all to you but don't leave
[chorus] x2

Are You [very] Happy?

The other day I discovered that I was very happy. Dr Watson, my leadership teacher made us take this online assessment with a requirement not to think too much about the answer, but to select exactly what was on our mind at that particular moment. And one of the question was, would consider yourself to be: a) very unhappy b) somewhat unhappy c) somewhat happy d) very happy.
This prompted me to check in an online dictionary the definition of happiness and according to dictionary.com happiness is the quality or state of being happy [please note that happy is defined as being delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing], and a second definition associates it to good fortune, pleasure, contentment or joy.
These attempts to define what qualifies someone as a happy person remain quite obscure in expressing exactly the embodiment of happiness. My own take on the subject would describe happiness as the homogeneous fusion, the chemical combustion between your mind, your spirit and soul that produces a scent of joy, laughter/smile and peace inside and outside your inner being. The key note in here is PEACE. Peace with God (for those who believe in him), peace with yourself and peace with the people surrounding you.
As I was asking myself why I do think I'm very happy, I started considering my life in a completely different angle. I tried to look beyond the obvious that are often cited as pinnacle of happiness: professional accomplishment(income), intellectual capacity (education/school), social ties (elite club or friends), filial relationship (family). I discovered that although i have no assets of my own, I have a roof over my head; although my car belongs to the bank, I have not had any worry about going and coming back from anywhere; although I'm not perfect, I'm surrounded by people that have truly accepted me for who I am and do not hesitate to tell me when I'm wrong; although I'm nearly perfect (yes you read it correctly, nearly perfect :) ) I recognized there's always room for improvement. I have reached a balance of understanding myself and accepting myself and the circumstances I could not change. For instance, it had taken me a long time, despite the excruciating evidences, to accept the fact that I now was a statistics among the millions failed, irreparable relationships . Today having crossed that bridge not only liberated me but empowered me into reinventing myself. I wake up in the morning with peace in my head and peace in my heart.
Happiness is about leading every battles thrown on our paths, celebrating all victories, mourning some losses and still staying true to ourselves, true to the values that we abide to.
So are you [very] happy?

Are you a Closeted Christian?

Are you a closeted Christian? Or have you become one? I remember back in the days about 10 to 15 years ago, a whole generation of us was boiling for the Lord. Preaching and proclaiming the name of the Lord, trying to be a model at home and in school til the extend one will be ashamed to say "I believe in God" if they hadn't passed their exams. We all belonged to a group called CLUC (Colleges Lycees et Universites pour Christ) -- Colleges, High schools and Universities for Christ. We would all volunteer either for singing, dancing or acting for the Glory of our God. We wouldn't hesitate to share the word with our fellow classmates. We were young, innocent and filled with an unqualifiable zeal. Over a decade later, some of us have changed or let their circumstances cloud and mask the beauty of who they are. We get married and divorced in or out of the yoke, we sleep around with other people's husbands, we consult charlatans to fight witchcraft, we call other people "unstable", we resort to doubtful means to get what we want, we put aside the notion of goodness and forgiveness to embrace revenge and Schadenfreude, we stop talking about God (oh my gosh what is s/he going to think of me!!) and start gossiping, we forge an acceptable image of ourselves that is pleasing to whomever doesn't question or dare rebuking us (oh, don't judge me!! You have no rights). We lie, we hide, we no longer speak the truth, how can we when have left that Truth evade us? We took our Christianity and put it in a closet. The amazing thing about all that is that, it's not too late to take it out, dust it off and wear it again. Yes there will be (there always is) people calling you all sorts of names: Jesus Freak, bible thumper...etc. But guess what, those same people wish they had an anchor to hold on to, some hope to cling on to. Natty, a friend of mine, was telling how much she loves job and God and doesn't hesitate to say so to her colleagues at work and of course some of them ridiculize her but yet they turn to her for prayer or advices when they need some.
It's difficult to live that pure life that the bible promotes, certainly impossible to put into practice some of the basics like forgiveness but God assures us that "He will make us walk on the path of righteousness for his name's sake", we just have to be willful. Are you a closeted [wo]man of God, it's time to come out of that closet and proclaim with me: "I'M A SEXY [WO]MAN OF GOD AND I KNOW IT!!"

Keep your zipper up and your legs crossed: Ramblings about Infidelity

I'm getting tired of reading those half stories about senators and governors unable to keep their pants zipped idem for those women who don't have enough self respect to cross their legs (geez those men are married!!). And what's this joke about resigning to "focus on their family"??
1st- Cheating isn't sexy at all, it's a big turn off
2nd - Cheating is like a packet of mixed nuts embodied in lies, deceit, duplicity, ruse, tricks and more lies, and it's not sexy at all. I remember this one, she was cheating on her man with her friends husband, the friend's name was erica and the husband Eric. So to prevent from spilling the beans by mistake, she made sure to change her friend to her middle name Caitlin in her email address book, that way when sending an email to Eric, the intellisense email feature would not pick up "Erica". But Karma being what it is, she got caught anyway...
3rd - Cheaters are Only repentant after they get caught, never before.
4th - if cheating is a deal breaker for you, you are free to divorce (even if you're a christian) -- pastors in church dislike talking about it but the fact of the matter is that the bible gives it as a leeway to get out of the covenant
5th - If a guy/gal cheats to get in a relationship with her/his partner in crime, it's just a matter of time before the perpetrator resumes back with their schemes. ex: he was married once, cheated on his wife, divorced, got remarried and this time around, the wife cheated on him. Karma, uh?
6th - It's not the act in itself, the intercourse with the "forbidden fruit" that bothers much the "cheatee", it's the lies and the trust that's broken that usually engenders the irreparable aka 'irreconcilable" differences.
7th- reconciliation (for those who seek one) is not impossible after that kind of destructive behavior, however it requires humility and lots and lots of love.
8th- Come on guys, keep those pants zipped, after all the hole is the same, isn't it?
Putting your reputation, job and health at risk, chasing after the same va-jayjay you have at home, I don't know if I should give it to you or decry your plain stupidity.

Paris: Once again

I couldn't finish my trip of the year without a stop to the city of love!! Paris, sans toi je serai pris!!
Yes, I love Paris, the multicultural and multiracial dynamics found in metros, trains and RERs, the unique fashion sense that animate French people, the peculiar architecture: an extreme amount of blocks and tons of concrete packed together that make Paris Paris, hum and above all the French cuisine. This was my second time (as an adult) being in the country of Sarko. I had to go back to that place where I had this delicious salade niçoise and of course the bread. There is this slimmest french bread usually used for sandwiches which at first sight seems like a teaser but it's so fulfilling that one piece is enough to hold you for the whole day. And this time around, I had the pleasure to visit the famous French museum: Le Louvre. It's funny how cold it can be in June over there I was freezing despite my oversize sweater (clearly it wasn't mine)!!
With the cultural diversity comes some tensions among the French that they need to resolve. For instance, the immigration ("Les Sans Papiers") issue, the government needs to pass some type of affirmative action that would garantee a fair l representation of its social diversity, reduce discrimation and bring value to the country as a whole. A problem that most immigrants face in that country is that it's quite difficult to find a job even after graduating from school unless you're in a specialized field like I.T. (where they have an acute need).
I've always had a little hard time rating the French on their level of kindness comparing to Americans. I mean Americans, they will hold the door for you (btw, I don't like when s.o waits for me at the door because it always makes me rush so I won't waste their time thus show some kind of insensitivity to their kindness), say thank you when you hold the elevator for them. Well, I had this little incident. I was heading to the metro/train/RERs (I can't never distinguish which is which) station with two suitcases, one carry on troller and my back pack. Now I got stuck at the "gate", the plastic (sometimes steel) double door with a scanner on the side that helps verify the metrotaker ticket validity. I had to figure out to pass through the door with all my luggages at once. So I had the brightest idea to ask for help. "Excuse-me...uh...Excusez-moi, bonjour...", head down my potential scapegoat passed by without a look in my direction, idem for the second and the third. With this rate of "success" I convinced myself that I was probably speaking too low (I've accused of that before!). I managed to speak louder and finally got the attention of an individual, I could see a little hesitation on his face "Bonjour, pouvez-vous m'aider avec un de mes bagages?" I asked "euh oui bien sur" he replied and picked up my carryon trolley, the smallest of all, lol. French are a little like us here in the States. They like having a good time under the sun, seated in their bistros or cafes, chatting with their friends and family while sipping a beverage. And just like we get in our cars and race through the highways, they bow their heads down and race through the metros.
I love traveling and as I read somewhere "le monde est comme un livre ceux qui ne voyagent pas n'en lisent qu'une page"---"The world is like a book and those who don't travel just read one page"
I'm already wondering where I would be next year, God's willing :).

Cameroon: 8 1/2 years later

It was an unqualified feeling that immersed me as soon as we landed at the Nsimaleng Airport. Despite the running AC, I could already feel the humidity in the air. The first few days after a complete sentiment of disconnection, did I start to truly appreciate the beauties, simplicities and changes of the country where I was born and I left almost 9yrs ago today. One shocking thing that I realized is that things don't change much over there. After almost a decade I found the woman (my "asso" as called in our slang) to whom I like buying cassava sticks (locally known as "bobolos") selling the same bobolos at the same spot in the market; idem for my asso of oranges and my asso of "taro" (some type of roots usually accompanied with the yellow soup hum...hum..good).
Here is in images the different places that reflect the culture of my home country Cameroon.

I saw friends and people from my old church, went to a hype club called the Maeva. On the right is our Michael Jackson impersonator.



As for the video below, it features a choreography based on a very popular song "On Attend l'enfant" (we're waiting for the baby) about a woman who tells her man she's pregnant (for over 15 months) in order for him to take care of her everyday by buying her a very well spiced charbroiled fish with a bottle of beer each day of the pregnancy (Doctor's prescription). Enjoy!!

Who's BAD?

I've been wanting to post an article about my recent trip overseas but procrastination got hold of me. However, today is a special day, a very sad day filled with deep sorrow. The King of Pop is no longer with us. Many of us born in the 80's already knew him before even knowing how to read or count. I'll leave out to the pundits to tell us about his life, success, fame and glory, and to each of one us the lessons to draw from this sudden death.
He was many things to many people. Below is embedded, in my opinion, one of the funniest video clip about the great MJ interpreted by the great Eddie Griffin.





A big thank you to P.O. for sharing this with me almost a year ago

Is Motherhood for me?

With all the frenzy going around about Mother's Day and a recent conversation that I had with a friend telling me that I "needed to start having my kids" because, oh my gosh, I'm getting near the big three zero. It all made me think whether or not I was ready for kids or if I even wanted any. It was easier to answer the latter, "Do I want any kids?", at some point, yes I think. Now "am I ready for any?"
This is a capital point for me. Financially, yes I'm ready to have one kid or two, and even to face an eventual single motherhood. Emotionally? That's the million bucks question!! I'm such a conservative at heart that I've always thought, even til nowadays that, should/must I bring a child into this world, I'd better make sure s/he doesn't have a deadbeat dad. Now, the only way (at least in my book) to accomplish that is through the traditional way: find Mr. Right, or at least "Mr. Good Enough" as is advocating Lori Gottlieb. I had been in a serious relationship before, and it even got to the point where we talked about babies, until I chickened out right before I found out my then "Mr Right" was, hum...can't find the correct adjective, so let's just say I couldn't imagine him any longer being the father of my child or any of my children (I must admit, that was a very smart decision).

So here I am, soon closing the gap with the big three zero and I'm still zen, no worries. My friend Anita often jokes with me that's because my biological clock hasn't started ticking yet. Maybe she's right. It's not like I lack any incentives in my close circle, members of my family have had their babies in their early twenties, my own little sister has followed their paths. I suppose one day, I'll be a mother one way or another. But I totally disagree with the notion that "I need to start have a kid" because of my age. Push come to shove, and I never find Mr Right or Mr Good Enough for me and my potential child, then I'll adopt, and I'll adopt a white kid.


Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!

Why are Divorces Always so Ugly?

Why are Divorces always so ugly? I mean, after all, these are two people who at one point in time professed their [(un)dying] love for one another, but here there are at each other throat. Could it be because one of the concerned parties can't get passed whatever "irreconcilable differences" there may be? Or could it be the desire for payback? Depending of what's driving a couple to divorce, there's always a loser in the whole ordeal, whether it's a loss of money, self-worthiness, or standards, you name it, there's always a loser. Personally, I do not believe in divorce (especially when kids are involved), however there are deal breakers that no matter what end of the stick you're holding, the relationship not only does not stand a chance, but isn't even worth trying to savage. If that's case, meaning, if from the get go a relationship is unsavageable, shouldn't the protagonists involved find a way to "work things out" in the goal of an "amicable" dissolution? I realize this could be difficult to achieve especially if one is trying to take advantage of the other.
Stats show that the divorce rate here in the U.S is about 50% and the number one reason of divorce here in the U.S is infidelity followed by finances. If there's one chance over two for a marriage to end up in dissolution, would we be better off getting married assuming, accepting, tolerating that our partner can cheat at any time but still decide to stay? I was discussing it with one of my dearest friends and the answer was that, may be we should. And I added, well it that's the case, why don't we ensure that our partner always carry on them a condom? At least that way, when it happens he or she, thus we are protected from any potential STDs. I guess we all agreed that was pushing it a little too far.

We're in this love together

To you my brother that I love so much.
To you my sister that is so special to me.
To you my friend, where would I be without you?
And to you, the one and only one who completes me...
We're in this love together
We got the kind that lasts forever

I've been listening to

These are the new stuffs in the block, from my most favorite to the least, enjoy!! Very sexy song, ideal for strip tease session w/ your significant other:



A new beauty, with a voice similar to J-Hud, the next big thing, I bet!!

Fantaisies ...

She makes out with a Caucasian guy
She has a tattoo around her belly button
She's dating a tattooed guy
A very rich tattooed guy
She's riding in a convertible, meet a bunch of stupid guys and lifts her top up
She has a monthly appointment with her shrink
A bi-annual appointment with her dentist
She has a pair of Manolo Blahnik
And a designer bag
She's a Cover Girl

A Night in Town

The good thing about starting over, is that it gives you this urge to try new things, to get out of your comfort zone to "confront the world", so to speak. So in the spirit of "starting over", I've decided to become adventurous (to some extend). First it started w/ shopping. I went to Macy's and bought a $60.00 dress (sorry folks I know we're in a recession, however I could afford it and I mean I didn't put it on my credit card!!), then I went on to Nine West and I got myself a $100.00 purse!! (this shocks me!! I NEVER did this before!! Not that I never spent 100 bucks but not on a purse!!) followed by a $50.00 pair of pumps (gorgeous!!). And that was it for that day!! Then the other night, a friend and I went to dinner, along w/ two other people in an "upscale" restaurant. [Ok, little confession here, I didn't spend a dime!! (Good, right?)]. A Three-course meal, delicious lobster with crusty calamaris, scrumptious crab cakes on a bed of corn, gumbo soup w/ crackers and these were just appetizers!! Main course a mahi mahi made a la Shang Hai with sticky rice and tasty spinach!! hum hum, heaven on earth!! Desert, a delicate sumptuous cup of chocolate cake wet w/ some triple churned vanilla ice cream!! And that was my adventure. Life was indeed good, very good. Sometimes it's just good to start over, really start over and try new stuffs!!

Do you have TRUE FRIENDS?

I've been busy lately preparing myself to get into a new adventure of my own. Nevertheless, in between breaks, I afford the luxury at reading through articles and this particular one on friendship actually struck me, especially given the fact that my friend Prince Hamilton had already one of his own on the same subject.
I guess it all boils down to the quality of relationships we have. From a personal experience, a relationship becomes a lasting one if and only if both parties involved are getting any value out of it. I have a friend who has a friend for everything: one to go to shopping with, one to go party with, one to mourn and celebrate with, and one to ask advice from. (Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder what category I fit in). The article I mention above, presents a new theory called "voluntary loneliness", according to which people choose to be lonely. The author gives an example of a neighbor who belongs to that category. And this is a different subject that I will not treat in this piece.
One thing that I thought was missing is the fact that true friendships are nurtured, nourished and balanced. It comes with loyalty and trust. It's not so much about the number of people that surrounds you, but about the quality of the relationship that ties you to each of those people. So, the question is, do you have true friends?

My death clock: a reminder

Every once in a while I consult my death clock. It's like the little witch in the village that nobody likes but still keeps around just in case her predictions are right. It's a virtual tool based on some random research (truthfully, I don't even know if any research were done behind that clock) that predicts when you'll die, try it for yourself.
Sometimes it's important to remind ourselves what's important and not take tomorrow for granted. To take a step backward and contemplate, appreciate the goodness of this life. As I often hear, we only have 'One Life to live'. And more often than not, the challenge is to live a life worth living. I suppose each one of us has their own definition of a worthy life. For some it's through their jobs that they find value or give value (e.g. Doctors, Counselors, Caregivers, Pastors, Teachers etc..). And frankly as a Software Engineer who spent most of her time in front of a monitor, I find it somehow difficult to find value in it. I have no doubt I must be giving value to some third party cause I get paid for it. I'm sure there is much more to life.
There is a story in the bible about this guy who goes to some far away land and gives money to three of his servants. To the first, he hands 5 bucks (back in the days, it was a ton of money), the second 2 and the third 1. Each of them went ahead and utilize it in a very productive way but the third one buried his buck. The guy comes back from his trip and has a briefing with each one of his servants. The first two came boasting about what they did and how they earned more money, then comes the 3rd one and he says "I was afraid of you master, so I buried the money you gave me, here it is take it", needless to say the master was fulminant and fired his servant. A lot of us are like that third servant. We're afraid of life, its challenges and sometimes its rewards. We either give up, or stay so much focus on the moment with no long term perspective or we just waste our time checking out the servant with 5 bucks and lusting after what he has.
Some of us have 5 million bucks in bank, others have 5 bucks, some of us are good at one thing only while others have multiple talents. However, it's not about how much we have, it's about what we do with what we have. Regardless of the longevity of our lives, let's make them quality lives. And this is where comes the death clock. Were you to know when you'll say goodbye to this earth, what kind of life would you live?

Tyler Perry's Movies

For a long time, I've wanted to write about Tyler Perry's movies. And this is one of those pieces that I never got to publish until I went a couple of days ago to watch his recent release which is currently leading the box office with $41.1million.
I just love Tyler Perry's movies. Yes, they're corny, seem like déjà vu but they have this thing that make them worth watching, they're purely enjoyable. The themes are very simplistic: Family, God, Relationships. Matters that anybody can relate to. His most recent chef d'oeuvre which is currently playing in theatre is "Tyler Perry's Madea goes to Jail", is a hilarious two tails story about a 6'5" granny that goes to jail after hauling a woman's car from a Big K's parking lot and a young woman (and this is the corny part) who finds the love of her life on the streets of prostitution. One poignant moment is a scene played by Derek Luke where he finally lets out the guilt that he has been carrying around for years and the defining scene comes where Madea (in jail) sermonizes another inmate about taking responsibility of one's actions (e.g. stop blaming your abusive father for your miseries) and forgiveness is first for oneself, then the other person.
Last year, one's of Tyler's Perry masterpiece was "Tyler Perry's The Family that Preys". Movie in which the beautiful Sanaa Lathan displays a wonderful performance of a bitchery character, a cheating woman ready to do anything to get ahead. I particularly love this quote from her mother played by the talented Alfre Woodard: "You can't find happiness by bringing deceit to other people, that's a road straight to disaster."
Perry's movies are all about essential life's values, values that serve of pillars upon which one builds their own character. They're a good kind of comedy, that anyone with a modicum of good sense would agree with the central message: God , Family (Madea's Family Reunion), Forgiveness (Madea goes to Jail), Love, Hope and Marriage (The Diary of a Mad Black Woman; Why did I get married?).


"The sadest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices you make will shape your life forever"

Where are Africans in all this?

I read today's column by Thomas Friedman, it could be easily retitled the case for a strong immigration. In his essay, in response on how to stimulate our economy, Friedman quotes Shekhar Gupta, editor of The Indian Express newspaper saying: “All you need to do is grant visas to two million Indians, Chinese and Koreans,” . And he goes on praising the Indian culture who believes that not paying mortgage is considered shameful. A thought came to my mind: what about my fellows Africans? Indians, Koreans and Chinese are recognized "worthy" of getting green cards but not Africans?
Well, not long ago I had lunch with a friend who informed me of a Madoffish scheme ran by some Kenyans here in our great metropolitan area: $15 Million in tax fraud conspiracy. You can enjoy the story here. Another source reveals the name of all the parties involved, all of them except one in their 20s or 30s, hard workers and very resourceful. After all, one needs to be very astute to come with a way to bereave Uncle Sam of $15 million U.S.
About a year ago, it was four Cameroonians who got themselves arrested in a bank robbery for half million dollar. It's truly unfortunate to see this immigrant generation whose parents (most likely) have sacrificed to send abroad to further up their education, who have taken upon themselves to give the best to their children and now have to suffer the humiliation to see their family names cited in those crimes.
There are so many of us African Immigrants here, doctors, lawyers, engineers, accountants, nurses, researchers and so on, why can't we get recognized for our hard work and have the same impact as Chinese, Indians and Koreans have in this country? I have no empathy for those criminals. They steal to keep up or impress the Joneses, to reflect a lifestyle that they'll see pass away from their jail cell. They buy big houses and big cars, my friend told me one of those Kenyans used to ride a hummer. May be a grain of sympathy could be uttered their way, were they building baseball field for universities like A-Rod.
Our economy is already in bad shape, Africa in a worse shape and we sure don't need scums like these to ruin it for everybody else who has come here in a hope of realizing their own american dream.

Let's Count Our Blessings

It's true we're in a recession, although some are already in a depression. Nevertheless there are still people and things that we can be grateful about. Be grateful for that person that pulled through for you and showed you there are still some honest, genuine people out there that you can on. Be grateful for your family that is resplendent with health, joy and quality time. Talking about quality time, my folks decided to play karaoke and I joined in. I spent the entire time rolling myself on the floor with teary eyes. I think I had one of the best times of my life. I also discover something else, actually I already knew so, I can't sing!!Lol, therefore I will never leave my daytime job or convert it to a singing career. You still have a job you can hang into, be grateful. Do you have a delightful relationship with your significant other, be grateful.
In hard times it's very difficult, even arduous to think positively. To think positive does not mean to ignore your dire circumstance, but to acknowledge it and take proactive actions to dig yourself out. A year ago, I found myself in an asphyxiating situation. I couldn't eat, was sleep-deprived, lost my concentration and focus, forget about prayer: I couldn't pray either. Results, and this is according to my doctor: I had little to no iron in my body, became anemic (nearly got transfused), my liver got attacked. The only thing I could think about was 2009. Why? Because I knew by then I'd be in a much better place (actually it didn't take that long). And today not only I'm in a much better place, the place is different from what I've had envisioned a year ago, highly improved.
Granted, not all stories have a good ending like mine, nevertheless we should still remain deeply appreciative of what we have. And like Ms. Orman always says in her show: "People first, then money, then things."

Consciousness: Who We Are

After a month full of intense work related stress, I've finally come around to finish my WIP (work in progress), David Lodge famous novel Thinks. Lodge's main character is called Messenger, a persona that many of us can either relate to or have acquainted. Messenger is a philosopher converted to computer science specifically AI (Artificial Intelligence). The mastering of the English language along with his passion of the human mind has landed him a job as a Director of Human Science in a university and a TV show on qualia. Lodge, in his rather fascinating rambling about human consciousness, gives a definition of it that truly struck me in a different way: "The privacy of consciousness, the secrecy of thought, it's the filing cabinet to which only we ourselves have the key." The veracity of this statement led me to muse over human relationships. We can't never come to totally, completely know someone. We may know their habits, their routine or even their character but we will never be able to permeate the hidden cage of their thoughts unless they're revealed to us. In this novel, Messenger uses a pearl recorder to chronicle his reflections and he comes to share some rather "disturbing" thoughts about his relationship with his wife. He entertains for a quick second the thought of copulating with his step daughter before dreaming of an affair with a colleague of his.
Had you known that your friend would not hesitate to steal from you or slander you, would you have still befriended them? Had the groom known that his bride would use surrogates for her sexual desires, would he have married her? I remember reading a long time ago about a survey suggesting that more than half of us would go ahead and do something totally unthinkable, were they given the reassurance they would not get caught.
Personally, I believe each and everyone of us have two sides: a good and a bad one. The truth is, at some level, in different circumstances, we're a fraud. Some of us are just better than other at hiding or revealing it.
However, we also have a free will that allows us to cultivate more of the bad or good side in us, which ultimately weighs in a lot in determining our personality. And as far as relationships are concerned, one can only take a leap of faith and hope that they've made the best choice for themselves and ultimately for those surrounding them.