Monday, May 24, 2010

In Search of the One

      I will not pretend to detain the keys of wisdom on how to recognize the perfect one for you. One thing that I know for sure is that, the minute you lower your fundamental/core values in the name of "I can change him/her" or "nobody is perfect", you'll start the slow and painful death of your inner (wo)man, thus engaging yourself on the devastating road of unhappiness. Ladies, if a guy tells you "I'm not good for you" or "I'm a piece of garbage", don't say to yourself "awww..., how cute he is...", pick up your stuffs, wish him well and turn your heels in the opposite direction because he truly means it. He can say that confidently about himself because he's known himself better and longer than you did in the one month since you've met. Don't play God by trying to save him from himself. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM/HER.
     Before I get ahead of myself, let's tackle this question: "Who is the one?"
The one is that person whose qualities you laud every time you have an opportunity in public or in private, and whose weakness you acknowledge and help him/her improve.
The one is that person, you can see yourself as a woman being submissive to and as a man loving her to the point you can give your life for her.
The one is that person who cares about your welfare physically, mentally, intellectually, spiritually.
The one is that person whom you ask yourself: "How can I make him/her happy?"
The one is that person whose name puts a smile on your face when you see it displayed on your caller id.
The one is that person you can no longer imagine living your life without.
     Here is a mistake that most us make. We define the one by what s/he has instead of who s/he is. I remember a conversation I had w/ a friend and the list was like "must have at least a house...must make at least $75k/yr...must drive this kind of car...must possess this...must possess that..." Now my question is what if the person loses all that,  then what happens?
     True story: the first time he laid his eyes on her was at a party, he flashed, worked the ranks to win her. He flooded her closet with shoes, clothes and perfumes, filled her empty time with trips, loaded her wallet with cash. About 6 or so months into the relationship, her car got totaled in a crash, he took a loan in his name and bought her a new one, newer than his own. He left school to work more to help her pay for hers. She brought him to church, he loved God and loved her even more. Less than a year later, they were married, even had a child, then stress from life started piling on. Perfumes, clothes and shoes were getting scarce, car got repossessed, income had decreased, frustration and complaints had raised. Next, she had turned her back on him, crushed him by sleeping around, robbed him from his dignity.
     It is clear from the story above that we must review our priorities, do a self exam to diagnose who we are before we can get who we need. As I heard someone said, if you have a car issue, who do you go to? To the manufacturer right? If you have a laptop issue, who do you go to? The manufacturer right? At work when our app doesn't perform the way it's supposed, who do you turn to? The Developer Engineeer!! So if you have a person issue or "the one" issue, who should you go to? Yes, that's right, The Maker. Turn to the One who knows you well, inside out, The One who can read you even when nobody can figure you out. Some believe is Nobody, I believe is Somebody, Others believe is MOther Earth, I believe is Father God. Who do you believe it is?
     Therefore, as stated earlier, one thing you need to establish is a list of your own values that you would like to see in your mate and a list of your deal breakers. The latter should be easier, you must reduce it to a list of things you can't compromise on:  is s/he a drug addict? Is he an abuser? (physically, mentally, emotionally) Character wise: Is s/he loyal? Does s/he turn her/his back when things go south? If yes, Cut him/her loose b4 you say I do. What family values does s/he have? Does s/he despise your family members, doesn't show them respect? If yes, cut him/her loose before saying I do...The list can go on. The goal is to determine all those things that you can't stand, things that are undebatable on your territory.
     These are just guidelines, experts have studied and written about this matter for years, Bookstores have huge sections dedicated to the topic. However, the best teacher is experience. So, don't be a fool and repeat mistakes that others have already made. Learn from your own and learn from others, as the French say "A man forewarned is a man forearmed".
In the search of the one, trust your guts and trust your God.

Stay tuned, stay blessed, stay beautiful
Tresor de Beaute

Friday, May 7, 2010

What Would It Take For Us To Get It Right?

         I think God has a soft spot for women. He promised a child to Sarah in her old age, she laughed; He did nothing and still gave her the child. He promised a child to Zacharias in his old age, he laughed; He made him mute for about 9 months till the child was born. He also gave women the ability to smell a bad relationship at a distance. That ability is called intuition. Unfortunately our capability to ignore that hunch is way higher than to just follow it. Boy, would we avoid some unnecessary heartbreaks if could just be a little less stubborn. To illustrate my point, here are snippets of true stories:
     They've been long time friends, liked each other but never got involved until about adulthood. She was in bad shape, had just gotten out of a committed nightmarish misery, he was a good listener, a confident and a comforter to her. They made promises to each other, six months into the relationship she changed her mind, she wanted to date longer and postpone marriage. They got into long arguments, broke up at least twice [Now, let me say sthg about break ups, 95% of the time when you break up, it's because you've reached a dealbreaker point and when or if you decide to put the pieces back together, whatever caused the 1st breakup will not go away.], got back together to finally an totally break up again.
     They met through a family member, she was involved in a serious relationship and so was he. Two years later, they were both unattached, decided to get involved. Every time they were together, she had a hunch that something wasn't right, consequently she wasn't feeling free with him although she kept reassuring herself that she liked him, after all he seemed better and more promising than the other ones. Then one day as they were spending some quality time, his door bell rang with insistence and it was his ex-girlfriend. To her dismay, he announced her point blank that he had decided to get back with the ex.
     They met online, quickly got into sweet and kinky talks, calling each other baby, they were living in different cities. After 2-3 months of phone talks, she finally got to meet him first in his town. After two weeks of bliss and "unbliss" [the bliss had slipped away when she found out about his unhealthy eating habits, his dark moods, his stinginess], she was no longer sure he was or could be the one for her "he was so different from what he said he were, from what he said over the phone" and from what she had imagined him to be. Nevertheless, she hanged on to him. Three months had passed and he still hadn't made any effort to go visit her, on the fourth month after threats and ultimatums he finally traveled the distance, only for her to discover that he had other relationships going on.
     They met via a third party, she was visiting a friend and there he was. It wasn' t love at first sight nor was it lust at first sight. They got to know each other, even lived together. In the course of their dating, they'd have countless headless arguments and each one of them would end up with her feeling a little more empty about the relationship, then followed by one break up, then a smooth reconciliation and finally marriage that ended up a year later w/ him dragging his male engine up too close inside an undesirable v-jay-jay [if you know what I mean].
     In all these stories, the female protagonists would always report either a doubt, discomfort or some type of uneasiness about their relationship but each time they would convince themselves with slogans like “nobody is perfect” or “I can make do with it” or “I’m tired of looking, I’ll just stick with this one”.
Now I realize that “it’s not good for a man [or a woman] to be alone”. And at some point in our lives, we must all [at least most of us] find the “one”, hence open a door to disappointments, deception and the like. Nevertheless, ladies, because we think more with our heart and emotions, we must guard and protect them, then ensure that we unleash them only to the one who deserves it. For that, let's start by listening to that gut feeling.
     I guess at this point, our next topic will be: How can we know he’s the “one”? Is there such a thing as “the one”?

Stay tuned, stay blessed, stay beautiful
Tresor De Beaute

Tweet Me